I'm going to write a book

So now that I've been out of the paid labor force for about two weeks, I've come to realized my desperate need for money. After I quit my job I took a not so relaxing, but yet oh so needed weekend up north with Luke. We stayed with the lovely Vero Bitz and Katyee Rocks in their hometown of Newark. Which is pronounced New-ERk, not New-ARk like the creative directors over at Lifetime TV would have you believe. And aside from irritating my right eye to the point of severe pinkness, getting loaded to the point of oblivion, making several new Gaysian friends; I also managed to cut the legs out from under my already shrinking checking account. Don't get me wrong it was all worth it. I got a free shirt. But now I've resorted to solely using the credit card for food and other necessities like my cell phone. Which also presents the problem of that damn monthly bill. Therefore, good friends I have come up with the solution to all my current monetary problems: I'm going to write a book.

It's seemed to work for several people I really admire: David Sedaris, Laurie Notaro, and now Augsten Burroughs. David Sedaris gets to write about how he used to take a whole bunch of drugs and was a crazy performing artist in one of his books. Laurie Notaro details the exploits of druken nights and searching for car keys in a dumpster with a stick. That last one is the guy who wrote Running With Scissors. It's a good movie by the way, in the"this really should be making me feel better about my life and relationships but it actually isn't. I just feel really really bad for the way that guy's life turned out" kind of way. He basically told the story of his fucked the hell up adolesence. They all wrote about their lives and people just ate that shit up. People give them money to publish stories about their everyday lives.

Back to me though, I think that I am somewhat capable of producing something someone out there might publish. I mean blogspot lets me publish this thing. I can use some of the stuff in the archives of this site. All the quotes that I thoughtfully put down on a cocktail napkin at parties where I was just a little wee bit more sober than everyone else. That stuff is gold.

Example 1:

"Why does everybody want to date him?"
"Maybe it's because he's easy?"

Example 2:
"He's the kind of guy that likes ... sexual experiences..."
"Well invite him over!"

Example 3:

"I have a blue dot on my ass. It's because I'm part Mongolian. All Mongolians have blue dots on their asses."

Yes I'll admit I was drunk when I first heard these. And they were genius to me. Comic gold. Really though I just want gold. Actual elemental gold that you can make into a hard core ol' skool hip hopper's rope chain necklace or into a pair of big ass Emelda Marcos earrings to go with her gold shoes or even better into a set of grillz for Nelly. And lots of it. I want lots and lots of gold to make me rich so that I don't have to worry about many things. So if anyone out there has a better idea for a book than a collection of quotes gathered at 21st birthday parties and gay shindigs please send it my way. I promise to put you in the dedication. I also promise to make my writing a little less tangential in the softcover version.