So I just finished taking this super fun class (yes I'm nerd, you should have figured that as soon as I used the word "super") titled Contested Sexualities. As a part of our final paper we had to draft a contract that stipulated the things that you need and expect from your 'mate' and your relationship. Seeing as how I have never been in a serious/ committed romantic relationship, I had to draw on ideal romances that I have seen on TV and on my own creative devices. The final product is actually pretty bomb. I think that it should be used as a template for those couples looking to enter the world of "We're together." I am going to show it to everyone that I may consider being committed to in the future. You my blog readers, get to read my most current version, the one I turned in for a grade:
The Contract to Be in a Romantic Relationship with Me
1. You must make a sincere effort to get along with my friends and family. I will do the same.
a. Understand that my father doesn’t hate you, he hates the fact that I am dating you. I am his favorite, it’s hard for him to let go.
2. Feel free to talk to me about anything. I will do the same.
a. If you think that you cannot talk to me about something, please try before giving up.
b. Do not be hostile when talking to me.
c. Try to restrain from using the phrase: “You need to…”
3. You must get a comprehensive STI testing before we can sleep together. I will do the same.
4. Do not cheat on me. If you do cheat on me, tell me. I will do the same (not cheat, but tell you about it. Although I may be angry enough that I would cheat to get back at you, hopefully we can resolve this problem before it gets to that point). We will fight (duration unknown); this may or may not result in the termination of our relationship.
a. If you do cheat and you engaged in risky behavior (i.e. sex without proper protection like condoms and dental dams) go get tested. I will do the same.
b. Cheating, includes (but is not limited to) oral and genital contact with a person that is not me. For example, loving someone else (but not physically acting on this love) while you are in a committed relationship with me is cheating.
c. If you believe that you are in love with someone else, tell me and then break up with me because I do not want to waste time and emotion dealing with lying and leading me on.
5. Be supportive of my goals and aspirations. I will do the same.
a. If you feel that my goals and aspirations are unhealthy, talk to me about your concerns. Don’t just tell me I’m just crazy, please have good reasons for crushing any of my dreams.
b. Please consult my family and friends if it is too difficult for you to discern if my actions are unhealthy.
6. Be ready to talk at length and at depth about topics that are of high interest to me. I will do the same.
a. Be forewarned these topics will include Project Runway, Sociology, and medical maladies that I think I may have.
b. Be open to talking about things that you may not have thought of discussion before and feel free to bring up new things with me.
c. If you find that you cannot handle a conversation say, “Erl this is kinda going over my head. Please call Mike, Veronica, Rajima, or Lauren.”
7. Have play with me at least 5 times a week.
a. “Play” includes making out, penis/vagina sex, oral sex, cuddling, mutual masturbation, fondling, or massaging.
i. So we could possibly cuddle 5 times in one day or have P/V sex once every week day and this stipulation would be filled.
ii. Sometimes I just want to make out. I don’t want it to progress into something else. I think it is fun in itself. I just wanted you to be aware of that this is one of my favorite things to do.
b. If we do not see each other 5 times a week (i.e. long distance relationship) let’s try phone sex, if that doesn’t work out we should try to figure out a way to split travel so that we can see each other to be physically intimate, even if it is just to cuddle.
c. Be open to experimental play, i.e. stuff that may be considered “kinky” or deviant.
8. Hold my hand, when you can. I will do the same.
a. If we get sweaty palms it is OK to take a break from holding hands. But know that I enjoy holding hands. It’s one of my favorite things to do.
9. When/If we fight, do not call me a “bitch,” “slut,” “cunt,” or “whore.”
a. Tell me the words that I am not allowed to use with you in a fight or any situation for that matter. I will not use them.
b. You may call me these words if they are in jest and/or said with love/lust.
10. Trust me when I tell you something. I will do the same.
a. If something makes you uneasy or jealous, talk to me about it. I will do the same.
11. Remember my birthday. I will do the same.
a. In the event that I do not remember your birthday, you are allowed to ask for an extra gift of equal or lesser value.
12. You do not have to pay for everything.
a. It does not make me feel more like a “lady,” “woman,” or “girlfriend” to not pay for anything. I don’t mind going dutch or paying the bill. If you really want to pay for everything then go right ahead. Do not think that I expect that of you.
13. Reassure me once in a while that I look nice/ cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous (any of these terms is acceptable, make sure to use the variety). I will do the same.
a. Please give me a list of terms that you like to hear about yourself.
14. Be understanding of the fact that sometimes I don’t want to/ can’t hang out with you. I will do the same.
a. This is not a sign that I do not care about you. My friends just probably want to spend time with me, without you. It's probably not that they don't like you it's just that they probably love me more.
15. Be responsible with the information that you share about our relationship with your friends or other people in general. I will do the same.
a. If you know that I am not comfortable with sharing something myself, do not share it for me.
b. If you do think that something you shared might have been on the “don’t share” list, please let me know so I am not blindsided by jokes or comments about the info.
i. If you want we can go over things that I would not like you to share as they come up.
ii. I will not hold you accountable for something that you didn’t know ahead of time I didn’t want shared. I may still be pissed off though. I will try not to direct my anger directly at you.
16. Call me to say goodnight if we are sleeping apart. I’ll do the same.
a. If you think that I may already be asleep a text is fine.
b. If you do not call me, I may or may not be upset (I probably won’t be) but realize I will call you the next day and ask you what happened, not because I don’t trust you, I’m just freaking asking.
17. Teach me how to drive a manual transmission.
a. If you don’t know how to drive stick shift, then you are free of this stipulation.
b. If you do know how to drive stick shift, also be patient and do not force me to go into traffic until I am ready.
18. Go with me to one musical. See if you like it.
a. This is one of my favorite things to do.
b. I will try to do things you like too.
19. Have fun with me. I will do the same.
a. This means enjoy doing things or even just sitting around with me.
b. If you don’t enjoy spending time with me and find it to be a chore let me know and break up with me. I will do the same.
The terms of this contact are up for amendment every 3 months. At this time both parties involved will have 48 hours to thoroughly consider the effectiveness of the contract. During the 48 hours the present contract is still in effect. At any time, however, any co-signed party may negotiate for an amendment or terminate the contract completely and thereby terminate the relationship if the need should arise. By signing this contract you understand that the terms of this contract are negotiable and signify a committed monogamous relationship. Willfully and callously breaking the terms of this contract can result in the termination of the committed relationship and deep emotional distress to both parties signed. The terms of this agreement were written from the standpoint of Erl. A second contract with the terms (from the “other person in the relationship’s” standpoint) may drawn and signed as well.
1. You must make a sincere effort to get along with my friends and family. I will do the same.
a. Understand that my father doesn’t hate you, he hates the fact that I am dating you. I am his favorite, it’s hard for him to let go.
2. Feel free to talk to me about anything. I will do the same.
a. If you think that you cannot talk to me about something, please try before giving up.
b. Do not be hostile when talking to me.
c. Try to restrain from using the phrase: “You need to…”
3. You must get a comprehensive STI testing before we can sleep together. I will do the same.
4. Do not cheat on me. If you do cheat on me, tell me. I will do the same (not cheat, but tell you about it. Although I may be angry enough that I would cheat to get back at you, hopefully we can resolve this problem before it gets to that point). We will fight (duration unknown); this may or may not result in the termination of our relationship.
a. If you do cheat and you engaged in risky behavior (i.e. sex without proper protection like condoms and dental dams) go get tested. I will do the same.
b. Cheating, includes (but is not limited to) oral and genital contact with a person that is not me. For example, loving someone else (but not physically acting on this love) while you are in a committed relationship with me is cheating.
c. If you believe that you are in love with someone else, tell me and then break up with me because I do not want to waste time and emotion dealing with lying and leading me on.
5. Be supportive of my goals and aspirations. I will do the same.
a. If you feel that my goals and aspirations are unhealthy, talk to me about your concerns. Don’t just tell me I’m just crazy, please have good reasons for crushing any of my dreams.
b. Please consult my family and friends if it is too difficult for you to discern if my actions are unhealthy.
6. Be ready to talk at length and at depth about topics that are of high interest to me. I will do the same.
a. Be forewarned these topics will include Project Runway, Sociology, and medical maladies that I think I may have.
b. Be open to talking about things that you may not have thought of discussion before and feel free to bring up new things with me.
c. If you find that you cannot handle a conversation say, “Erl this is kinda going over my head. Please call Mike, Veronica, Rajima, or Lauren.”
7. Have play with me at least 5 times a week.
a. “Play” includes making out, penis/vagina sex, oral sex, cuddling, mutual masturbation, fondling, or massaging.
i. So we could possibly cuddle 5 times in one day or have P/V sex once every week day and this stipulation would be filled.
ii. Sometimes I just want to make out. I don’t want it to progress into something else. I think it is fun in itself. I just wanted you to be aware of that this is one of my favorite things to do.
b. If we do not see each other 5 times a week (i.e. long distance relationship) let’s try phone sex, if that doesn’t work out we should try to figure out a way to split travel so that we can see each other to be physically intimate, even if it is just to cuddle.
c. Be open to experimental play, i.e. stuff that may be considered “kinky” or deviant.
8. Hold my hand, when you can. I will do the same.
a. If we get sweaty palms it is OK to take a break from holding hands. But know that I enjoy holding hands. It’s one of my favorite things to do.
9. When/If we fight, do not call me a “bitch,” “slut,” “cunt,” or “whore.”
a. Tell me the words that I am not allowed to use with you in a fight or any situation for that matter. I will not use them.
b. You may call me these words if they are in jest and/or said with love/lust.
10. Trust me when I tell you something. I will do the same.
a. If something makes you uneasy or jealous, talk to me about it. I will do the same.
11. Remember my birthday. I will do the same.
a. In the event that I do not remember your birthday, you are allowed to ask for an extra gift of equal or lesser value.
12. You do not have to pay for everything.
a. It does not make me feel more like a “lady,” “woman,” or “girlfriend” to not pay for anything. I don’t mind going dutch or paying the bill. If you really want to pay for everything then go right ahead. Do not think that I expect that of you.
13. Reassure me once in a while that I look nice/ cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous (any of these terms is acceptable, make sure to use the variety). I will do the same.
a. Please give me a list of terms that you like to hear about yourself.
14. Be understanding of the fact that sometimes I don’t want to/ can’t hang out with you. I will do the same.
a. This is not a sign that I do not care about you. My friends just probably want to spend time with me, without you. It's probably not that they don't like you it's just that they probably love me more.
15. Be responsible with the information that you share about our relationship with your friends or other people in general. I will do the same.
a. If you know that I am not comfortable with sharing something myself, do not share it for me.
b. If you do think that something you shared might have been on the “don’t share” list, please let me know so I am not blindsided by jokes or comments about the info.
i. If you want we can go over things that I would not like you to share as they come up.
ii. I will not hold you accountable for something that you didn’t know ahead of time I didn’t want shared. I may still be pissed off though. I will try not to direct my anger directly at you.
16. Call me to say goodnight if we are sleeping apart. I’ll do the same.
a. If you think that I may already be asleep a text is fine.
b. If you do not call me, I may or may not be upset (I probably won’t be) but realize I will call you the next day and ask you what happened, not because I don’t trust you, I’m just freaking asking.
17. Teach me how to drive a manual transmission.
a. If you don’t know how to drive stick shift, then you are free of this stipulation.
b. If you do know how to drive stick shift, also be patient and do not force me to go into traffic until I am ready.
18. Go with me to one musical. See if you like it.
a. This is one of my favorite things to do.
b. I will try to do things you like too.
19. Have fun with me. I will do the same.
a. This means enjoy doing things or even just sitting around with me.
b. If you don’t enjoy spending time with me and find it to be a chore let me know and break up with me. I will do the same.
The terms of this contact are up for amendment every 3 months. At this time both parties involved will have 48 hours to thoroughly consider the effectiveness of the contract. During the 48 hours the present contract is still in effect. At any time, however, any co-signed party may negotiate for an amendment or terminate the contract completely and thereby terminate the relationship if the need should arise. By signing this contract you understand that the terms of this contract are negotiable and signify a committed monogamous relationship. Willfully and callously breaking the terms of this contract can result in the termination of the committed relationship and deep emotional distress to both parties signed. The terms of this agreement were written from the standpoint of Erl. A second contract with the terms (from the “other person in the relationship’s” standpoint) may drawn and signed as well.
So that's the end of my contract. There were even little dotted lines that would indicate where "the other person in the relationship" and me would sign. I know... I'm insane yet thorougly awesome.
Moral of the Blog: I should be a relationship counselor because someone needs to pay me for this shit.
1 comment:
i love you so much and i'm honored to have even be mentioned in your contract. this is one of the best things i've ever read. oooh...can there be a clause in there that if the person does something inexcusable i get to help punish him? heeheehee...just kidding - not really - sorta. you totally deserve someone that can uphold every point of this contract. you're an amazing person and i'm glad i get to be your friend. ::hug::
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