Dumbass Column in Outwrite

So Outwrite is "UCLA's LGBTIQA Newsmagazine." First of all no one sent this ally (i.e. fag hag) the memo that we were adding the rest of the alphabet to homosexuality's acronym. Rajima says that it probably is a good idea because it encompasses all the people who are in this group. But Rajima agrees with me that really all those letters together hurts one's eyes or in her words "looks like the alphabet threw up on itself." But to the point.

So in the "health/science" section of this quarter's issue of Outwrite there was an article about a test for homosexuality... based on the length of your ring finger. It basically says that people with ring fingers that are "substantially longer than their index fingers" as opposed to being "just slightly longer" tend to be homosexual. Here's the excerpt of the article that made me make an ugly face:

On the heterosexual male hand, the ring finger is usally just slightly longer than the index. Not so in many homosexual men, whose ring fingers are substantially longer than their index fingers....Scientists believe that finger length is determined by the amount of testosterone a fetus is exposed to in the womb. Thus, a female exposed to more testosterone not only develops a longer ring finger, but also shows assertive behaviors and a tendency toward homosexuality. Similarly, a longer ring finger in men is associated with homosexuality and certain hypermasculine behaviors, such as aggression. (I believe that there will be a spike in emergency room visits. Cause: straight men cutting down their ring fingers to prove they "don't go that way.")

First of all what is the difference between "substantially longer" and "just slightly longer"? Ok if there is a correlation between gayness and "substantially longer" ring fingers, I don't really care. But the claim at the beginning of the article that "Recent studies by UC Berkeley and New York University indicate that many self-professed gays might actually be straight, afterall" (italics added) pissed me off. So what if a gay man has a normal sized ring finger. Are you gonna tell his inadequate ring fingered ass that he can't be gay? Moreover, the association with homosexuality and aggression is just fucking mean. It shall ring out through the streets that every lesbian that ever lived had a militant assertive bitch streak, plus some abnormally long ring fingers. C'mon not every gay man that I have known is "hypermasculine" either. Some of my friends are content with being regular masculine and others are even in touch with their "feminine side."

Craig said, "I've only read the first sentence and I'm confused and pissed off." I was confused too, Craig. This was a LGBTIQAZJHVFOUEGFHNVLO's publication. The article didn't actually include any of the research findings and was only 3 inches long and 4 inches wide.

Moral of the blog: Don't publish dumb statements into print. That sort of stuff is reserved for the world of web logs.