My first emotionally revealing post

Death and Taxes

I was a Sociology major in college. My favorite classes dealt in the area of Social Psychology. It basically deals with how we form the concept of ourselves within the society that we live in. In the two classes I think about the most, we covered a whole bunch of topics ranging from learning how to feel, not just emotions but also learning how to physiologically react to stimuli, to how we create realitiy and its dimensions, like time and physical space. I wish I could sit through them again and take better notes on the parts that seem really important right now.

In a class called Self in Society, we covered the topic of death and loss. I remember being really depressed that week because of something Professor Van Leuven said: "Death is the tax you pay for loving someone." And it's true. I looked up the word "tax" on Dictionary.com and this is one of the definitions: 2.a burdensome charge, obligation, duty, or demand. Loving is supposedly the wonderful, fulfilling action that gives meaning to life. Well I say fuck it, the tax is too high.

Death isn't just loss. Loss is a skimpy euphemism for what death actually is. For people witnessing death occur, because for most of us it will be a long drawn out process that you can follow for weeks, months, or sadly even years that are filled with mediocre highs and too low lows, the word loss is insulting. You lose a coat or money or your goddamned too small ipod. But somewhere on earth those things that we've lost are still existing. Death is the cease of existence. I know I'm Catholic I haven't forgotten. And I should be taking solice in the idea of heaven, the after-life, and whatever else Jesus said, but for all intesive purposes those ideas fail me. Death is end and it hurts.

I was going to make this little entry private, my own personal pain purge, but you know what, I'm just not that noble. I'm angry, empty, and constantly slipping in and out of denial. I like being in denile, I can actually function. But as time moves forward even the state of denial is slipping away and I have to face up to my feelings. As much as I have family with me at this point, feeling more or less the same emotions, I want everyone else to suffer too. I want everyone else to realize that all the people that you love and care for are going to die. Every single one of them. Forget the hurt it causes you to see your ex with his or her new love. Imagine that person suffering pain so severe for months and then barely living on life support and see how it feels.

Loving takes a lot of effort, even when times are good and normal. When you add on the addtional tax of death, it really is a wonder why so many people search for it. I now know I brought it on to myself when I opened up to friends, but it seems unfair to me that I was born into a huge family with so many easily lovable people. I guess all I can really hope for is that I go first so as to avoid the whole love-death tax collection bullshit over and over. And then that makes me miserable as well. I don't want to cause my loved ones any pain. So what do we do? Well you can let me know if you discover the way around all of this. And please don't bring me the trust in God's plan thing. Sometimes this works for me but I really do need a more practical solution.

I figure if I stop adding to the number of people that I actually care about then I can manage the amount of deaths I have to feel over. It may sound cold, but all of us already do this. That's why most of us are picky about the company we keep. I'm just putting it down in writing.

I'm not sure where along the line I became such an angry little girl. It must have started some time ago, but only now is it beginning to really show. I'm sorry to have misled some of you into thinking I had a bigger heart. But here it is: if I don't love you already, don't expect too much warmth from me now, because I'm cutting my fucking losses and keeping the loving limited.

I wrote that about 3 weeks ago.

My feelings have changed. It's my aunt that was in the hospital. Today she died. February 15th, 2007 at 11:45 am. Her death I have to say I expected. And it hurts a lot, waiting for someone you love very much to pass away. I didn't expect the way I would feel though. I thought I would be angry, because it's how I've been feeling for a long time now. I thought I would be this crazy woman ripping a branch off a tree and beating everything in my path. Yesterday, was an extra angry day. I had the urge to go ballistic on everyone it the elevator. The old sick people and the young, handsome doctor were not safe. But today is very different. I don't think I've ever felt this specific combination of fear, sadness, and oddly enough happiness before. I'm happy because when I do really think about it, she is better off. She is a woman who really endured a very large burden.

Her cancer metastasized (i.e. spread) all over her body. It was in her breast 13 years ago, but she managed to beat that. As of today I understand that the old breast cancer came back as lung cancer that got into her bones in her ribs and her hip and also into her brain and along her skull and even more in her tummy.... But she's past all of that now. And that's what I'm glad for her about. Because really she wasn't at all a woman who ought to be confined to a bed. Let me tell you about my Mommy Linda. She started taking care of her family at 14 when her father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Because the Filipino school system she was a nurse by the time she was 17. At some point she came over to the good ol' US of A and then proceeded to make everyone she ever met her fall deeply in love with her.

My namesake, Erlinda, is spectacular. If you haven't heard the story about her interrupting a Christmas wedding proposal with a very vocal "DON'T DO IT" you have to let me tell you sometime. Or if you'd rather hear about where she cusses out my 7 year old nephew in front of his mother or her entire nursing staff over a microphone those stories can also be arranged. Although it seems she went to great lengths to hide it she had a sweet streak like you wouldn't imagine. Almost everything she says, even the cussing, was said with such a lightness and sense of caring. I really don't know how she managed to do it, but the phrase, "Try to lose weight" never really made me feel bad about myself. Forever the words, "Try to lose weight" will make me laugh, smile, cry a little, and feel very loved.

It's hard to explain her sweetness or loving because it was never overdone. Actually allow me to correct myself. To humans it was never a big production. To God, Baby Jesus, Mama Mary, St. Bernadette, St. Jude, and all the angels and saints she honored, her devotions and signs of love were unmistakable. When this woman was in her sixties she made a pilgrimage to a whole bunch of holy European places. She climbed the mountain where Jesus was crucified, to show her appreciation. She also prostrated herself if front of the unchanging body of St. Bernadette ("No one else did that. Only me. I was the only one who prostrated myself in front of St. Bernandette." Yes, Mommy only you did that because you are one of a kind.)

But back to the subtleties of her love for the regular humans of the world. She had a way of making you feel special without the sappiness that usually goes along with all that. She disdains all the gratuitous shows of affection. A peck on the cheek and a "Love you. Ok you go now, babe" was a usual farewell from Mommy Lin, but then she would sneak you a chocolate rose thing before you left. I remember those candies. I wish I knew where they were from so I could buy her a bouquet right now.

I want to write so much more about her but I know I can't say anything that will compare to what she really is. She is so funny and outgoing and crazy and mean but without the sting and all these other things. Right now my sister asked me, "What do you think she's doing right now?" I said probably making everyone in the line to get into heaven bust up laughing. My sister thought she is probably having a hard time getting in because she's causing so much ruckus. I miss her already. I'm jealous of the souls that get to enjoy her company. To hear her sing "La la la" to some old melody that I don't recognize or to see her waddle by carrying her huge bag of the most random crap or even smell her perfume would be really nice right now. And I bet anyone who knows her feels the same, because like I said before we all love her very, very much. She wasn't even trying, but she made you love her. But at least now I know that I was wrong before.

I'm scared and sad because I can't get her back. I'm scared and sad of what my life will be like without her here. I'm scared and sad of how my family will handle this. But I am not scared or sad at the idea of welcoming more people to love into my life. That's what she did. Everyone received her love and fun. And it may hurt to have her go but to have missed out on that love would have been much worse. So I'm going to try to be like her. Treat everyone to fun and honesty and be open to love. It's cliché but hey you can't hassle me for trying to feel better right now. Because if you want me to revert to angry Erl again I can make an exception for you.